DMD - Diapers of Mass Destruction

OK, we have all experienced, or soon will, a diaper blowout. Currently there is a cute television commercial for a diaper blowout (animated, thank goodness), by three cute babies, and rated by three other baby judges. They make lite of a potentially, very messy situation. It's all fun and games until it happenes to you.

Well, here is my, currently, most awful blow out experience. To begin with, it was a cold and stormy day. Perfect for a crock pot dinner of chili. I browned the ground beef, (no vegans in this house), added the rest of the ingredients and seasonings, and set the crock pot to simmer for the day. I went about doing my other chores like laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. while Sophia played with her toys and looked at her books. She is very good about letting me get to the household chores and playing by herself, as long as I take frequent breaks to play with her as well.
Margaret was working a little late that day, so the chili remained cooking a little longer, which just made the beans more tender and set the flavors to mix better together. Little did I know, I was creating a crock pot with bodily nuclear reactions awaiting.

Margaret made it home safely at about 7:00 p.m. and she hurried and changed out of her work clothes, put on comfies, and came into the kitchen for dinner. Sophia sat in her high chair next to Margaret and me. Margaret mashed up the chili so that Sophia could easily gum the chili and swallow it. Sophia LOVED the chili. She ate it very well, and was on "auto-eat" (nearly sleeping while continuing to eat) by the end of it, because she was very tired. The time change is still working its magic on Sophia and she is going to sleep at 8:00-8:30 p.m., which is last weeks 9:00-9:30 p.m.

Well, she got cleaned up and put in her jammies, and went right to bed following dinner. The chili is now at work - fermenting over the nights sleep...

The next morning we all awoke, Margaret changed Sophia's diaper, no damage yet, and Margaret and I had our morning coffee, while Sophia had her morning breakfast that she is currently hooked on, Oatmeal cereal and mashed up raspberries - the final ingredient. Margaret finished getting ready and left for work. About half an hour later, Sophia and I were playing with her toys when my phone rang. I answered it as it was about a prospective job opportunity that I have been cultivating for about two weeks. I swear, I was only on the phone for about 10-15 minutes. Just enough time... Sophia never left my sight and I could tell from her facial expressions that she was doing her business. The call ended and I walked over to her, picked her up, and nearly passed out from the 'fragrance' she presented to me.

I immediately headed with her for her bedroom to change her, when I noticed my hand was moist. I moved my hand from where it was supporting her backside. It was covered in a gooey brown mess and had the same lovely odor that was permeating the rest of the house. I made a quick right turn into the bathroom. I gently set her into the empty bath tub. I rinsed off my hand and then just picked up the 'little flower' from under her arms to inspect the damage. The lighting in the bathroom was much better than in the front room.

Sophia's clothes were covered from mid-back to her knees in a redish-brown mess. I knew at this time we had a D.M.D. we were dealing with. She has had diapers in the past that will bring tears to your eyes, make the dogs run for the backdoor to get out, and have the cats trying to bury the diaper pail. Well, the cats and dogs were nowhere to be found. I was on my own. This was beyond anything I have ever experienced. I have had doggy diarrha that I have had to clean up off carpet that was less messy than this was. I wanted to puke, and nealy did. You know the gag reflex and how your mouth gets all watery before you vomit? Well, I am all over that action.

Without thinking, I instinctively, went to the bathroom drawer and pulled out some scissors. I began by cutting off her shirt, then her pants, then her onesie. There was no way I was pulling these clothes over her head or touching more than I had too with her pants to get them off her cute, chubby legs. If I wasn't in panic mode, I may have saved the clothes in a garbage bag and mailed them to an old boss. Once I had the clothes off, I cut the diaper off and set it on top of the trashed clothes. I then got the shower head that is attached to a hose and began rinsing her off with warm water. She had never had a shower before only a bath, so this was new to her as well. Sophia, in her cute usually happy self, was giggling the whole time, bless her cute little heart.

I could easily tell that the culpret was the chili, and the kidney beans gave it the redish color. What gave it the odor, I do not know, but it was the most horrific stentch I think I have ever encountered. After rinsing her off, I filled the tub with water and Mr. Bubbles bubble bath. I then proceded to wash her from head to toe, TWICE, just to be sure. I then rinsed her again and took her out of the tub and dried her off. We then continued our stroll to her bedroom, where a clean diaper and clean clothes awaited and were applied.

Now I had the dirty clothes to deal with. I needed to clean them up and throw them away. I just got a garbage bag from the kitchen, turned it inside outand picked up the soiled clothes and diaper without having to touch the poopy mess again and immediately took the bag out to the garbage can, I did not pass GO, I did not collect $200. With Sophia safely in her crib with a bottle, I opened the bathroom window, and scrubbed the bathtub.

If ever the U.S. Army or Air Force are looking for a substitute to nuclear weapons, I have the recipe. My sweet Sophia and simmered all day chili could do the trick, although the area the they use it on may not be inhabitable for many years to come. I am sure the atomic half life is near that of Plutonium 232.

Thank goodness this happenes only once in a very long time. I don't think I could handle it more often.